I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive