why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
