I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
