dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
