Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
