I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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