She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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