I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
