I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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