we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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