I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
