When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
