it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
