I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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