update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
