long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
