my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I faked an abortion last night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
