Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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