Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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