Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
