She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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