the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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