Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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