went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
