how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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