Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
