You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
