I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
