Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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