its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
