Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
