We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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