my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
