I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
