i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
