By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
