i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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