the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
