Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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