he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
