I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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