I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
