I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
