Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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