I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize