Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
