flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
