What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
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College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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