What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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