i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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