im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
