I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
