I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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