can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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