That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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