I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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